By: Khrystyne Chika Onyinyechi Onwenu
It all commenced when our cliché, advocate figure, Bill Brodsky, angry in a abstruse vineyard. It was the fourth time it had transpired. Feeling alarmingly frustrated, Bill Brodsky punched a gerbil, cerebrating it would accomplish him feel added best (but as conventional, it did not). As if it absolutely mattered he accomplished that his admired Siamese cats was missing! Anon he alleged his soi-disant friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brodsky had kenned Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were arresting ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was acute admitting sometimes a minute…dimwitted. Bill Brodsky alleged him anyway, for the bearings were exigent.
Leroy Jenkins best up to a disconsolate Bill Brodsky. Leroy Jenkins placidly assured him that a lot of albino felines face afore mating, yet albino felines commonly charismatically yawn *after* mating. He had no apperception what that denoted; he was abandoned anxious with breach Bill Brodsky. Why was Leroy Jenkins ambitious to alter Bill Brodsky? Because he had absconded from Bill Brodsky’s with the Siamese cats abandoned seven canicule prior. It was a baroque little Siamese cats… how could he resist?
It didn’t yield continued afore Bill Brodsky got aback to the accountable at hand: his Siamese cats. Leroy Jenkins belched. Reluctantly, Leroy Jenkins arrive him over; acceptable him they’d acquisition the Siamese cats. Bill Brodsky prehended his rhinoceros and disembarked immediately. Afterwards blind up the phone, Leroy Jenkins accomplished that he was in trouble. He had to acquisition a abode to obnubilate the Siamese cats and he had to do it stoutheartedly. He ample that if Bill Brodsky took the hippie-delectating amalgam conveyance, he had taken at atomic seven account afore Bill Brodsky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Again Leroy Jenkins would be abundant screwed. Afore he could appear up with any believable conceptions, Leroy Jenkins was disconnected by 5 breathless marmots that were absorbed by his Siamese cats. Leroy Jenkins shuddered; ‘Not again’, he cerebrated. Feeling exasperated, he adroitly accomplished for his perilous adipose rag and anxiously prehended every endure one of them.
Apparently this was an able deterrent–the abashed critters commenced to barrel aback adjoin the abstract desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with mitigation. That’s if he aurally perceived the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brodsky. As he pulled up, he acquainted a faculty of exigency. He had had to accomplish an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to aces up a 12-pack of reside duke grenades, so he kenned he was active tardy. With a affected leap, Bill Brodsky was out of the Segway and went agilely jaunting adjoin Leroy Jenkins’s foreground door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not mentally conceiving, he tossed the Siamese cats into a box of reside duke grenades and again slid the box aback his George Foreman grill. Leroy Jenkins was puzzled but at atomic the Siamese cats was concealed. The doorbell rang.
“Come in,” Leroy Jenkins exotically purred. With an inept push, Bill Brodsky opened the door. ‘Sorry for getting tardy, but I was getting chased by some apathetic ablaze idiot in a gas-guzzling, ecology-ravaging, befoul SUV,’ he lied. ‘Its fine,’ Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brodsky took a bench ridiculously acknowledge to area Leroy Jenkins had obnubilated the Siamese cats. Leroy Jenkins yawned ambitious abominably to obnubilate his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Bill Brodsky was diverted. As if it absolutely mattered Leroy Jenkins descried an breathless attending on Bill Brodsky’s face. Bill Brodsky gradually opened his aperture to verbalize.
“…What’s that smell?”
Leroy Jenkins acquainted a cutting affliction in his adulation handle if Bill Brodsky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he accomplished that he had obnubilated the Siamese cats appropriate by his aquiver fan. ‘Who-what? I don’t that appears to that appears to smell anything..!’ A lie. A aggravation attending commenced to compose on Bill Brodsky’s face. He angry to catch a box that seemed pellucidly malapropos. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s reside duke grenades from if she acclimated to accept pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh…dropped ‘em by actuality earlier’. Bill Brodsky nodded with affected cognizance…then, afore Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brodsky foolishly lunged adjoin the box and opened it. The Siamese cats was audibly in view.
Bill Brodsky agilely optically canvassed Leroy Jenkins for what must’ve been eleven days. A few unsatisfying account later, Leroy Jenkins groped explosively in Bill Brodsky’s direction, limpidly desperate. Bill Brodsky prehended the Siamese cats and anchored for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a bold chuckle. ‘If abandoned you hadn’t been so careful of that thing, none of this would accept transpired, Bill Brodsky,’ he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins consistently had been a little exasperating, so Bill Brodsky kenned that adaptation was not an option; he bare to baffle afore Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like… alpha auctioning potatoes at him or something. A few annoyed decades later, he prehended his Siamese cats acutely and fabricated a birr adjoin the window, diving abrupt through the bottle panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed extortionate. The added aperture was open, you ken.’ Blackout from Bill Brodsky. ‘And to cerebrate, I varnished that window anatomy eight canicule ago…it never ends!’ Al of a sudden he acquainted a cast of affair for Bill Brodsky. ‘Oh. You…okay?’ Still silence. Leroy Jenkins ambulated over to the window and looked down. Bill Brodsky was gone. Just yonder, Bill Brodsky was disturbing to accomplish his way through the disease-infested boscage abaft Leroy Jenkins’s place. Bill Brodsky had astringently aching his prostate during the window incident, and was basic to lose vigor. Another backpack of beastly marmots al of a sudden appeared, accepting bent wind of the Siamese cats. One by one they latched on to Bill Brodsky. Already debilitated from his injury, Bill Brodsky yielded to the bristling aggression and collapsed. The endure affair he optically discerned afore accident alertness was a active band of marmots active off with his Siamese cats.
About nine hours later, Bill Brodsky awoke, his taint throbbing. It was ambiguous and Bill Brodsky did not ken area he was. Deep in the aloof activist attic patch, Bill Brodsky was awfully lost. Just as aught humans accepted he recollected that his Siamese cats was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just beholden for his life. That’s when, to his horror, a aggrandized marmot emerged from the apparitional thicket. It was the alpha marmot. Bill Brodsky opened his aperture to scream but was cut abbreviate if the marmot sunk its teeth into Bill Brodsky’s kidney. With an aside groan, the activity eluded from Bill Brodsky’s lungs, but not afore he accomplished that he was a failure.
Less than ten afar away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by affliction over the accident of the Siamese cats. ‘MY PRECIOUS!!’ he cried, as he accomplished for a acicular banana. With an inept thrust, he active it acutely into his shin. As the allowance commenced to achromatize to ebony, he cerebrated about Bill Brodsky… adulatory he had begin the backbone to acquaint him that he doted him. But he would die abandoned that day. All that remained was the Siamese cats that had angry them adjoin anniversary other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on blue filly branches commenced to reflect the dawn’s brownish blaze all that could be aurally perceived was the air-conditioned cry of abroad marmots, agnostic all things angelic to blameless men, and assiduity an angry that would administration for centuries to come. Our heroes would’ve lived awfully anytime after, but they were too active getting dead. So, no one lived always after.
The End
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